Welcome to Joy Lab!: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Joy Lab podcast, where we help you uncover and foster your most joyful self. Your hosts, Dr. Henry Emmons and Dr. Aimee Prasek, bring you the ideal mix of soulful and scientifically sound tools to spark your joy, even when it feels dark. When you're ready to experiment with more joy, combine this podcast with the full Joy Lab program over at JoyLab.coach
Henry: Hello, I'm Henry Emmons, and welcome to Joy Lab.
Aimee: And I'm Aimee Prasek. today we are working with our element of compassion as we've been doing these last few episodes. And we are working off of, the third level of compassion shared by Dr. Gabor Maté in his five levels of compassion. This one is the compassion of recognition. And we have been going in order, these five levels, but you don't [00:01:00] necessarily have to listen in order.
If you choose not to, that's okay, but it, there is a bit of a linear nature to these, so it could be helpful. You pick. So head back two episodes for the first level if you want to. I'm not going to make you. I'll note as well, We're really using these levels as a springboard. said that in the last episode, I think, because we got in all sorts of different tangents from the episode before.
We've got the usual Joy Lab twist, not holding fast to what Maté might cover for these. so sorry, Maté, if you're like, that's not what I meant. This is what we mean. so here we go. We're getting into compassion of recognition. What does that mean? First, let's go through the levels that we've touched on.
I think in the last two episodes to explain this one, it, I think it helps. Okay, in the first level, we have our ordinary human compassion, the basic wiring we all have that prompts us to see our own suffering, other suffering around us to feel [00:02:00] bad about it. We wish it were different. That can fuel up some motivation for action.
In the second level, the compassion of understanding, we go from that cursory assessment of what's wrong to more of a what happened kind of attitude. We seek to understand the conditions and causes that might have come into play.And we do it in a caring way. We want to understand the suffering so that we can help in a way that honors the individual or ourselves.
Alright, in this third level, after seeking that understanding, this level of recognition realizes the similarities that exist between us all. I love how Maté frames this when he says, that we realize the person who is suffering is just like the rest of us. Or we realize that we are not alone in our suffering.
We are not an ant. And God is not holding a [00:03:00] magnifying glass on just us, frying us alone as the lone wolf. Instead, our suffering is similar to many others.Henry, we like to talk about, the illusion of separation. here at Joy Lab, a notion that is common in nearly every religion or wisdom, tradition, philosophy, but I really love how you speak about it in the context of mental health.
And I think the, this compassion of recognition is very similar. So do you want to get into that, that illusion?
Henry: Sure, sure. So, I view the illusion of separation as one of the key enemies of joy. I, I just I just talk about three enemies of joy, and this is one of them. The first two, very briefly, have to do with imbalances in the body and mind, which we get into more at Natural Mental Health. The illusion of separation [00:04:00] involves what I think of as the heart and the soul, and it's probably a little harder to address in some ways than those others.
It's, it's harder to get, you know, grasp on. One of the reasons for that is that we just don't see it. We don't see ourselves as having bought into this illusion of separation. And I think the reason for that is that we have bought into the idea that we are in fact separate from each other. We are isolated individuals going through life in these separate bodies with these separate minds. And that in the end, we're really on our own. We are left to find our own way to take care of ourselves because nobody else is going to do that reliably to be there for us. Now, I think that this is partly [00:05:00] just a function of being human. But there is something about our culture, particularly in this country, but I think a lot of the Western world that makes it even harder to break the spell that this has on us. We are so tied to our sense of individualism. You know, it's really just part of the American myth, I think. So we don't even think to question it. We're just absorbed in it. And yet, it's an illusion. It is not real. It's something we have made up with our collective and individual minds. And that's what I think all the major religions are telling us, that we are not as separate as we think. We are not actually in this alone. We are connected in very real in very deep ways with one another, and with all the rest [00:06:00] of the physical world, and with something that's greater than ourselves. The mystery, if you will. We just don't see it. And it's very hard to go through life believing that we are alone, particularly if we deal with mental health challenges. So let's, let's think about this through the lens of self care. I'm a fan of self care. I think it goes a long way towards supporting our body and supporting our mind, especially in addressing those first two enemies of joy. It is also a lot of work to be constantly attending to all of these things.
And as a lot of people know, sometimes it's not enough, you know, we can do everything right and still struggle with depression or anxiety or something else. So I think of good self care as kind of like [00:07:00] keeping our little portable water bottles filled up, you know, filled up with that magic elixir that keeps us resilient. Important. Crucial, in fact. But if we can break through this illusion of separation and see that in fact, we are not alone. We have many deep and rich connections. It's what Thich Nhat Hanh calls inter being. Then our job becomes infinitely easier. Because that little portable water bottle that we carry with us is actually tapped into a huge reservoir of compassionate connection. It will never run dry. My own personal burdens are shared by this huge web of support. Once we realize that, it is a game changer.[00:08:00]
Aimee: Yeah. I like that eternal water bottle always being filled.Yeah, let's talk about these strategies then to practice this level of compassion. So I like a simple journaling or mental exercise that actually weaves together the first three levels of compassion we've gotten into over the past several episodes, ordinary compassion, compassion of understanding, and then this one, compassion of recognition.
So I like to call this the "Judge, Mirror, Bridge" exercise.I hate to say I have no idea if I heard this somewhere or I made it up.
Henry: You probably
Aimee: I probably did because I was like, I am judging way too much. I need to stop judging or at least, um, find a way to navigate through this more skillfully. So, here it is. You start with judge. So you identify someone who you have a pretty clear [00:09:00] judgment about, someone who you think is maybe selfish or who's a narcissist, or ignorant, whatever it is, right? Name it.
What's the judgment? Then, here's where it gets harder. First one is so easy.
Henry: one is really
Aimee: like, sweet. I'm all about this. Let's write them down. All right, here we go. Second one. Look in the mirror. Now, we identify, a similarity between your judgment of that person and how that same judgment shows up in your own life.
So, if you think your friend's spouse is a narcissist, and I'm not, this is not a personal example, or maybe it is, but all my friend's spouses don't, like, think this is about you, or maybe you're the narcissist if you think it's about you.Okay, so you take a moment, though, to see that in yourself. If you think that that person is a narcissist, see where those qualities show [00:10:00] up in yourself.
When or how do you act in a similar way? We all have these bits within us. You will find it. Be kind to yourself as you explore, like a, put your little explorer gear on. You're just getting curious. You're also getting honest with yourself. We've already passed the judgment, so you don't need to do that again.
You can be curious. You find that shared experience in that mirror. Then bridge, identify the connection. So we're getting a little bit more curious, a little bit more understanding here. Notice how your own experiences with that quality you're judging, and the experiences of the other person might be similar, more similar actually than they are different, right?
So what are the experiences, the context, the contributors to that judgment that show up in your own life and the other person's life as well?And you might just find out, in fact, that maybe we are more similar than we are different. As Maté [00:11:00] says, we're all just like the rest of us, aren't we? So, I think the last bit of this, though, judge, mirror, bridge.
Love. The last bit is to offer yourself some love, some compassion. Don't just stop in your recognition and think, well, we're all a bunch of selfish dum dums and the world sucks. No, end it because that's not true, right? Go back to that episode, I'll link to it, where we see our light and we see, our own light and the light around us.
Let's end it by offering the other person and yourself love, genuine love, like a loving adult might offer a kid. Yeah, we all fall short. We screw up. We make mistakes. We get stuck in destructive patterns. But that can be fuel for change, I think, right? We all have a cup that needs to be filled. When we offer ourselves some compassion, we can fill our cup.
We can offer compassion to others and help fill their cup too. So Henry, do you want to say anything more about this [00:12:00] exercise or suggest another strategy?
Henry: Well, just that if you made that exercise up, Aimee, good on you. It's a great exercise.
Aimee: I needed it. I
Henry: And if you didn't make it up, you did such a great job describing it that you still put your stamp on it. So I love it. I don't have anything to add to it.
Aimee: Thanks.
I don't really have another exercise to suggest, but I'll just offer up an observation that, that just comes from my work over the years with clients. So I work in mental health, obviously, and this, maybe that lends itself more to what I'm going to say than other jobs might, but I think there's something here that is really universal. And if it's not, well, maybe any health professionals, mental health professionals listening could. take something from this. So here's what I am thinking. I have [00:13:00] sat with thousands of people, literally thousands. I have heard thousands of stories. I am no longer surprised by anything that I hear. And I don't think I judge anybody for things that they might think make them lesser somehow. I've let go of all of that. And through all of this, I am amazed at our human complexity. And I am also very struck by our simplicity. So yes, each of us has our own unique story. And at the same time, it's really just a few stories that keep showing up in different ways. We all have fears. We all have desires. We all have loss. We all have triumphs. [00:14:00] We all have pain. We all have joy. I think what helps me do what I do is that I don't see myself as being very different or different at all from the people who come to see me. I have felt most of what they have felt at one time or another. Maybe not to the same degree or maybe in a different way, but by and large, we're very much alike. I have had the same tendency as some of my clients to ruminate at three in the morning, the same fears for my kids, the same wrenching grief or other feeling when a loved one suffers. I love how Maté put it, we are all just like the rest of us, aren't we? There's one more thing I want to say, and that is I don't just [00:15:00] see the shared foibles and pain of the people I sit with. I look for their goodness, too. It's just like an automatic thing. I'm not trying to, it's just automatic. And so I do see their light, like we talked about a few episodes ago. So to me, compassion is not only shared suffering. It's also seeing the strength, the humor, the hope, the joy. Because we are all alike in that, too.You're foreshadowing one of the levels that we'll get into as well, I think, in compassion coming up. So, yeah, that's beautiful. I think that's a perfect place to close, actually. Also, with the help, perhaps, of some wisdom that I want to share, from Henry Nowen, right after Henry Emmons. Thank you. [00:16:00] Um, he brings up this, he does this so well too, if anybody's read his books, this recognition of the universal nature of our suffering and of our joy.
He writes about that so well, our collective responsibility to support each other through all of that, to lift each other up. That's compassionate. I'm feeling it. so it makes me think of a few lines from one of his books called Reaching Out. Here it is.
"In the solitude of the heart, we can truly listen to the pains of the world, because there we can recognize them not as strange and unfamiliar pains, but as pains that are indeed our own.
There we can see that what is most universal is most personal. And that indeed, nothing human is strange to us. There we can feel that the cruel reality of history is indeed the reality of the [00:17:00] human heart, our own included. And that to protest asks, first of all, for a confession of our own participation in the human condition.
It would be paralyzing to proclaim that we as individuals are responsible for all human suffering, but it is a liberating message to say that we are all called to respond to it."
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