Welcome to Joy Lab!: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Joy Lab podcast, where we help you uncover and foster your most joyful self. Your hosts, Dr. Henry Emmons and Dr. Aimee Prasek, bring you the ideal mix of soulful and scientifically sound tools to spark your joy, even when it feels dark. When you're ready to experiment with more joy, combine this podcast with the full Joy Lab program over at JoyLab.coach
Henry: Hello, I'm Henry Emmons and welcome back to Joy Lab.
Aimee: And I am Aimee Prasek.
Henry: Hey Aimee. Hang on a second. Before we get any further, I have got to comment about our wardrobe selections for today.
Aimee: Oh no.
Henry: Look at, look at us. So for those of you who are not on YouTube, here's, here's the, I'll give you a quick description. I am wearing all gray, along with my gray hair. Aimee [00:01:00] has got this bright, bold, flowery top on
Aimee: It looks like a Victorian drape is what I think of it.
Henry: You and I are balancing one another out perfectly.
Aimee: I love that. This, okay. This is equanimity.
Henry: There you go
Thanks you go
Aimee: for joining us, everybody. We'll see. Yeah, so we're talking about equanimity, our, March element of joy. It comes in many forms and fashions. But let's get into more of what is equanimity. So we can think of it as, I think a state of inner calm, serenity, contentment, inner peace.
It's also described as an even minded mental state. I kind of like that. Uh, lots of ways to describe it. We might also just kind of use this word balance, and that's what we're gonna go with today. Perhaps a more relatable word. But [00:02:00] balance is also maybe a bit of an overused term, not really understood either.
So I kinda wanna dig into that. What does it mean to be in balance, to be in equanimity? So let's first get into a myth about balance as a way of understanding maybe what it means to not be in balance. And the myth is that balance is a fixed state, like an end goal. And I think we can probably all relate to a statement and a belief that actually tricks us into the myth.
And it's, it's this, I just need to get my life in balance and then I can fill in the blank, start exercising, start taking care of myself, take a break.
Henry: Is that a myth?
Aimee: yeah.
Henry: I have said that to myself many a time.
Aimee: I know it is it. So we're gonna, we're gonna learn something new here about this 'cause it is [00:03:00] tricking us so deceivingly, constantly. The underlying belief here is that once you've got balance, then the work is done. But balance doesn't work that way. 'cause we do keep saying it. Right. So, which it just doesn't quite pan out yet we keep saying it. Balance is not a static state. So it's not like an island that functions outside of ourselves. You know, and it's something that we can swim to and build a perfect life on.
Instead, I kind of think of balance as a like a boat on an ocean. There are waves, there are storms, there are sunny peaceful days. There are sharks and narwals and manatees and stingrays, whatever else. So how can we navigate through all of it? And I think that practice, that active practice is balance. And until we come to terms with that, that balance is [00:04:00] not a permanent state, then I think we can actually create more balance in our lives.
Henry: I like using that word.
Balance. I think you're right. It is, it is more relatable.
Aimee: Right.
Henry: I, I can't help but think about how that term is used with aging. Uh, which I am.
But honestly, it's a, it's a term that just comes up again and again. for anybody who works with aging folks or people who are, you know, if you, it's almost like it's a litmus test. That balance kind of is, is a good indicator that you're aging well, your body is aging well.
So anybody, my age or older knows what I'm talking about here. Also, it's, it's something that we once just took for granted because it came so easily, so naturally, you know, you just didn't even have to think about it until it becomes a [00:05:00] challenge sometime in life, often later in life.
But, you know, it could be because there's illness or injury that affects your feet, your legs, or maybe the brain or the nervous system. And then. We used to not even give a thought, could become a major effort and, take a lot of focus and willpower.
Aimee: Hmm.
Henry: So I think, that that, is something we can apply to not just this physical balance I'm referring to, but how we look at it in our lives.
So I am one of those people who has never found it very easy to maintain life balance.
Maybe that's why I keep saying it to myself, And I think it's because I repeatedly try to stuff too much in to my life. I try to do too many things, and whether it's work or play, it doesn't matter. I'm still trying [00:06:00] to do too much. So I'm not sure I'm the right person to teach anybody about how to find balance. But I think that. You know anybody who has been through some sort of illness, you know, whether that be anxiety or depression or physical illness or anything that shakes your confidence or anything that a period of really significant stress, so much that it has drained your reserves what once seemed doable, at least can then feels insurmountable to get that sense of balance or equanimity back in your life. So I'm thinking about a, a different metaphor that helps me to see this in a, in a fresh way. Twice a year on the planet earth, we experience an Equinox. It's that brief moment where day and night are perfectly [00:07:00] balanced. In the spring, many of us are looking forward to this moment and have been for a long time. ' cause it indicates that everything is moving in the right direction. Days are getting longer, it's getting warmer. Summer's coming.
But even that moment, of perfect balance is fleeting. As soon as it arrives, we begin to tip into longer days or longer nights, depending on which Equinox we're talking about. I think in many ways this is really the perfect metaphor for balance in our lives because like this Equinox balance is never static. It's a moment.
It's not a permanent state, and I think it also reminds us to savor the moments of calm when we find it. Also to be prepared for the shifts up ahead that are inevitable
for all of us. Now, [00:08:00] here's the real beauty of it. I think that the Equinox doesn't fight the change, nature does not fight this.
It just flows into the next phase naturally. It's just part of a greater rhythm. I think that's, that's the kind of thing we need to embrace in our own lives.
That there's this, this balance is a part of the ebb and flow of life. It's not the end goal. It takes a lot of the effort out of it to, to think this way, that to let life flow and it's natural rhythm. And I think when we see this as simply part of our nature, it can also take away the frustration we feel when we do inevitably lose that perfect balance point that we might have worked so hard to find.
Aimee: Yeah, I, I love that metaphor and the reminder that balance is in those moments that we can savor. [00:09:00] Also thinking of balance in that very tangible physical sense like it, I think of balancing on one foot. I think we all understand that the balance is actually in the balancing, not really some rigid, one footed stance that doesn't move at all, but that we're wobbling, we're reassessing, we're rebalancing all the time.
So maybe we're harder on ourselves too, of just this idea of not being good at cultivating balance or putting too many things on our plate.
But there's also this confidence, I think, of being in a state that maybe we've put too much on our plate that we have the awareness, but that we can also navigate through that. Like that's balance. Don't be
so hard on yourself, Henry.
Henry: I'm trying. I'm, I'm trying.
Aimee: And you're
demonstrating balance. Yeah. So about balancing on one foot, and Equinox, whatever makes sense for you as a way of re-imagining balance, I think, [00:10:00] you know, as this moving state can be very helpful. And you noted that this is hard work too. Perhaps the most obvious part. I think this is hard for all of us.
There's just so much in our world and navigating is hard. Let's be honest about it.just thinking about, for us here at Joy Lab, we've had a lot of changes in the last six months or so. And the workload has been heavy. I haven't felt particularly balanced lately, um, or for a good three months of those six months probably.
But I also felt confident that I can recalibrate, which is maybe what I was saying just a moment earlier. So it's not that I was out of balance per se, but this confidence that I can recalibrate into a more balanced state.
But I think sometimes that's the best we can do, that we can feel confident that we can [00:11:00] recalibrate, that we can weather through some of those points where we feel like the waves are crashing in, but we know the storm will let up, or we are optimistic.
We are hopeful that the storm will let up. We know we have the skills to make it through and make it out with our heads above water, for the most part. That matters. So balance doesn't, it's not pretty all the time. Um, it's not permanent as we're saying. So let's get into more of that. How can we do it? How can we savor some of those moments, like you said, and navigate these obstacles?
Let's focus on two strategies. I'll start with one, and then Henry, why don't you give us another. So this one is gonna flow perfectly, from what we've just spoke about here it is. Perfection and balance do not exist together. I think this has been one of the most powerful realizations for me.
We work on this a lot in the Joy Lab program. Uh, and letting go of perfection might sound obvious, but I think when [00:12:00] we really dig into how we see balance taking shape in our lives, what we're imagining balance as is often impossible
Henry: Perfect, perfect balance.
Aimee: Right. Yeah, we see it as serene. Relationships are smooth, the weather is great, you're owning it at work.
Your home is in perfect condition, perfectly clean. If you have kids, they're listening to every little word you have to say. It's ridiculous, right? When we think about it, and I catch myself doing this, I cannot tell you how many years I spent delaying my own self-care until I reached a more balanced state in my life.
Back to that myth that we noted at the top here.It's anchored in that perfectionism, I think is so common we stop doing the things that can help us be in this flexible state of balance until this [00:13:00] impossible state of perfection is achieved, and we will wait forever to get to that perfect state. It just never comes.
There will always be waves and storms and moments that we get thrown around , and so, it's not that we should let go of our goals or working to improve conditions in our lives. I'm not saying that, but I think this is an invitation to really check in, to see where you might be holding impossible expectations up for what balance looks like for you, and that perhaps you're delaying
your life or your wellbeing until you reach that perfectly balanced state. So you know, where in that space are you holding expectations that are unfair for you.I think this is an invitation also to just give yourself the grace and acceptance of the reality of imperfection to let go of the rigidity so that you can navigate more balance and [00:14:00] savor more balance in the present moment.
Henry: Well, as you know, Aimee, I've also got that perfectionism
Aimee: I am not calling you out in this episode, Henry.
Henry: Yeah, maybe there's a reason why this keeps showing up in, in Joy Lab. We're, we're getting there though.
Aimee: Yeah.
Henry: getting there.
So earlier I said that my own trap, which I fall into over and over again, it's really been a lifelong thing, is thinking that I can do too much. So everything I want to do and everything I think that I need to do, all combined with my perfectionism to make life harder, harder than it needs to be.
Aimee: Yeah.
Henry: So there's another term for equanimity that I also really like, which is stillness. And by that I mean inner stillness. Where you feel as if your mind is calm [00:15:00] and your emotions can be, you know, more or less unperturbed, no matter what is going on around you, like that image of the still pond. Um, meditation I think is just obviously a great way to work toward that. But even though we're talking about inner stillness here, I think you can get there to some degree by cultivating outer stillness. In other words, by not moving so much.
Just not doing so much. So this is something I'm working on with some really good results, I have to say.
Aimee: Yeah.
Henry: Now I think this runs counter to a lot of what we are exposed to from self-help and lifestyle approaches, you know, and this is constant. We have talked about this before about how this can really feed [00:16:00] into perfectionism, I think.
And I, I think it can also feed into what I'm calling do-too-much-ism,
Aimee: Yeah,
Henry: is.
Aimee: which makes sense.
Henry: It's a real thing.
Aimee: Yes.
Henry: So I don't know if you've noticed this, but every day on the news feeds that I, I look at, there are articles like this. "Five Things Highly Productive People Do In the Morning," "Top 10 Wellness Trends", "Seven Tips for Living Your Best Life". These are not made up. These are things I actually pulled from, you know, recent headlines and these newsfeeds. So, and I'm not saying that these things are not helpful, believe me, they, I think they, they have some really good ideas and, and tips, but for my own inner stillness, doing less beats, doing more.
Aimee: Yeah.
Henry: In a weird sort of way, [00:17:00] the start of the pandemic helped me quite a bit to make this shift. So much of life was just stripped away. Obviously there were just a ton of downsides to that
time as well. But I think for me it, it really helped me see that my life could be really rich without packing so much into it.
You know, I was forced to slow down while we all were more or less, which the fact everybody else was doing it, I think gave me a little more freedom to just experience this outer stillness and I found out I like it. So I also like the
strategy of doing less because there's not really anything to do. You don't have to add to your list of ways to make yourself better
because it's about non-doing. [00:18:00] So it takes no additional time. There's no effort that you have to expend and there's no hook for perfectionism because there's nothing to strive for. Here's what it does take just a little bit of awareness, which is quite easy if you learn simply to tune into what does your body feel like when you feel pressured and rushed. It's a, it's a very easy feeling to recognize once you just get teeniest, bit of, of awareness planted on that. And then, you know, if, if you've done that, you can use that feeling as a signal that you're doing too much. I think of it like using a navigation app on your, in your car if you have the volume on the app turned [00:19:00] on, you can't miss the warning that you have to change course. And if you, if you've got that ability to tune into the sense of feeling rushed and pressured, you can't, you really can't miss it. So it's just really being able to see that I'm overscheduled and then to accept that, okay, I've, I've done this again without beating myself up for it. Then to make a choice to say no to something. For me, that's the hardest part that the saying no is the hardest part, but it's become so much easier because I'm learning to love the spaces between the music and to recognize that's what makes the music so beautiful.
Aimee: I really. I'm resonating with this idea of checking in with your body too, as a metric for [00:20:00] balance.I know I feel it right in my stomach. It gets tight, gets a little nervous. That's where my tension, that's where my, my, it, that's where I can tune in for a good measure of if I'm stretching too far.
And I love thinking of that as opposed to opening up a magazine or an online article that is giving me 10 more things to do when I'm feeling stretched and overwhelmed, which is so interesting that we go that direction, that there must be something I'm not doing. I'm insufficient in some way that I need to add something
to cultivate balance. Whereas it's more, as you're saying, Henry, that we can come back to our natural rhythms and embrace the wisdom that will tell us where we can maybe say no 'cause we'll say yes when we're really in our rhythms, I think we will move, we will work, we will [00:21:00] sleep, we will, we will do all the things that nurture ourselves and those around us when we're in a balanced state that is flexible and fluid and not static.
So what a relief. It's not about biohacking, life hacking or gadgets or concoctions. It's about inner stillness and inner wisdom that we all have this in us. We are balanced creatures when we allow ourselves to be. So these are skills we can all practice, we can get better at them. It's what we do every week here on the Joy Lab podcast.
As an imperfect community with two imperfect people trying our best to be part of this, uh, work that we do,to embrace our balance, to embrace our joy, all of the elements of joy that we work on together. So join us in the Joy Lab program as well as [00:22:00] we dive even deeper to do that work. And when you join us at the program, you
keep the podcast going. I wanna just remind people that, that we are community supported. We are community focused on creating more balance as I said, more joy in this world. It really matters. So it's really cool that we can do that together. Well, to close our time today, I wanna share some insight from journalist
Anna Quinlan, here's what she had to say about balance:
"I wish I had not been in a hurry to get on to the next things dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less."
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